what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
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Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret