velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*