Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
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Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.