[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
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wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.