Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
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[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Rt to bother an English speaker
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?