If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
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ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Happens to everyone.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Muppet Screams
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
A fake ID that makes you younger
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.