My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”