The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
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i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
And now we wait
Breaking news:
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Growing up was a huge mistake
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume