[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
You Might Also Like
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me recordaron éste meme
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations