Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
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A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.