I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Raisins are grape jerky.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Overindulged this afternoon.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION