My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
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[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Baking is just science you can eat.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”