Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
You Might Also Like
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Not all heroes wear capes…
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score