If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
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please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*