*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them