Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
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Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …