Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
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[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)