ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
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INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead