If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
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When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.