Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
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If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.