wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
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Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I hate when that happens.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish