A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
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Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Oceanography is all about current events
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Zack Greinke stories are the best
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car