Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
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When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
I have a type: disappointing
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
<—- homeless romantic
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Oh yeah that’s it
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.