Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
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Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow