I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
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The second world war should have been called world war returns
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Finally!
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.