You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.