*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
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I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I can’t deal with men any longer
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge