[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.