God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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