Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
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Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My Guy
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva