I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
March 16
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Your secret is safeish with me
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*