One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.