wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
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i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
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[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.