This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Born to be mild.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me