Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
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FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?