hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
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Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
If snakes were wide
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college