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me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
listen closely
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very