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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
O Wise One….
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
those birds must be on payroll
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.