My neck, my back, my…
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if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.