Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
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Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I drew y’all a little something.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.