Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Her: let鈥檚 role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don鈥檛 do that
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it鈥檚 a mirror.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Kevin Hart 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.