TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
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Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.