Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
You Might Also Like
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
ok like just. call me at this point
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Terribly Tuesday.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.