Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
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Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
The point of your 20s
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick