According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
You Might Also Like
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
You have been warned.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.