2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint