Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
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Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Who knew!
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Ummm
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
No regrets in 2018
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.