Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
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Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
my mind
You just read my mind
A flock of dads is called a grill.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.