How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
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some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]