I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Good advice.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!